Castlevania: Whispers of a Golden Night
by Mister Law Horror
Summary: The fate of the world rests on Alucard's shoulders. Other stuff happens too.
1. Chapter I

**Castlevania: Whispers of a Golden Night.**

**A/N: This story is dedicated to mah fren, Kylisha – this is for you loopy FUCK!**

**A/N: This is partially a crack fic, a troll fic and just an author's exercise to see how retarded I can get before write anything worth of credit, henceforth, I used the username Mr Ugg rather than my actual name, Erika James.**

**Disclaimer: I own everything presented in this story. **

**(Because you would totally expect me to).**

**Chapter One: The End or is it?**

Dragula's magnetic eyeballs snapped into a billion shrapnel's as Alucard recoiled his talking elf excrement encrusted pickle from the wicked, zillion-year-old vampire's bloody socket. The sonic screams of the gods of Olympia pounded the air as their idol was brutally skulledfucked so closely into submission. Their muscular and beautifully sculptured bodies began to shrink back into their celestial, skinny forms. They screamed in pain as they wished they ate more to build moar gains rather than spending their time eating at the IKEA cafeteria.

Alucard is now facing his final battle. The battle for the infinity blade of infinite darkness and lightness as well as rescuing the mayor McCheese's daughter, Chlarmidyaa from the evil Tatiana's plan to make her his wife. Not to mention the soul grasps Lord Dracula has on the entire earth, planning to get the Olympic gods to feed on the earth. And who can forget sick little Timmy's wish for the Tamper Bay Ray's to score the winning touchdown in the superbowl?

His journey was just about to end; he had come so far, from killing his succubus girlfriend when she killed his mother, to training with the African Master of Jungles in the jungles of Master Africa, then slowly making his way to the castle in Romania. He faced many rivals and enemies along the way – so much blood has been spilt along his lonely road. **(A/N: So much in fact the local commission decided to change the name of said road from Bloody Massacre Avenue to Martin Luther King Jr. street out of respect for the victims)**. He killed them all, the Jabbawockies, the Dragons of the East, the 40 ninjas of the east, Lord Dragonoff, Angelic Pickles and Ragonov – the Hunter in the smog. It was actually a pretty cool adventure, you should have seen it!

"Roar! I now shall become a dinosaur!" and Dragula became a dinosaur.

Dinoclar tried to hit Alucard with his fist, but it was too tiny and he broke a nail; then wailed like a little pansie.

A broken column exploded into a trillion shrapnells and He-man emerged, dried blood strewn over his large, juicy, fabulous, sexually ambiguous muscles.

"Some men will just break down and die when you drop a ton of stone of them, but not me, no, not me" he said, "and I do not need me sword, or my tiger or anything but my raw fists to defeat you, o' evil vampire!"

Dinoclar and Alucard stared at the half naked man. Alucard knew not of the man being trapped under the column, he thought it must have been for decoration or something. Y'know, like an ornament to bring out that _destroyed church in the middle of nowhere, where the final battle will take place _kind of feel. In one swipe, Dinoclar swung his head down bit the gay dude in twine.

"Ahhh! My sexiness!" He-man screamed before lethally dying dead.

Dinoclar turned back to Alucard, who sent a hellfire laden barbed wired mega fist into the dinosaurs stomach and ripped out his intestines. Dinoclar fell to a crumpled heap on the filthy tiled floor. Alucard spoke of nothing.

_Honestly, what one liner could possibly_ _be made when you rip out vampire dinosaurs intestines out with a super powered barbed wired fist on fire? _

**_A/N: Honestly, who writes this garbage…oh wait, me. Honestly, who could write such a beautiful story?_**

Alucard spun on his black boot and stared at the giant inter-dimensional vein at the alter where Tatiana was crucified in the face.

He was about to rip open the vein and suck all its juicy goodness out but he heard a buzzing sound behind him. He turned around and suddenly the dinoclar's intestines were pulsating in the air. The dinoclar's intestines exploded and several beings came out. Suddenly, Alucard was attacked by billions of Satan's, Lucifers, Devils and Sarah Palins.

Alucard stared, ":O!"

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ALUCARD?

WILL HE BE ABLE TO DEFEAT HIS NEW FOE ONCE AND FOR ALL?

AND WILL ROBIN FINALLY LEARN TO GROW A PAIR AND DEFEAT HIS GREATEST FOE, VIRGINITY!

LOOK OUT FOR CASTLEVANIA PART II COMING OUT, NEXT PAGE!

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL!


	2. Chapter II

**Chapter 2: A Candle Dipped in Blood brings about the Attack of the Spooky, Scary Skeletons.**

Alucard was surrounded by his foes, blood, sweat and elf tears crawled down the smooth mountain ranges that were his face like spiders. They committed suicide by jumping off his blood red ruby lips.

He slowly pulled out four small crystals from his interior jacket pocket; they contained the damned souls of his fallen friends. He was saving this neat trick for the wedding but he guessed it would have to go now. He held them between his fingers, and like kissing the ring of a mafia don, his kissed each ball lightly. This was not necessary, his just like fiddling and kissing balls. Fondling balls was a stress reliever for him. Why, it helped him through the interplanetary wizard wars when he was granted the all mighty privilege to kiss the king's balls. What am I talking about again? Oh right, testibals.

He chanted a Latin sonnet:

_"Si vous avez traduit cela, vous avez beaucoup trop de temps sur vos mains. Lire un livre approprié. Lisez Jean meurt à la fin par David Wong. C'est un bon livre, c'est drôle et effrayant et pratiquement une fic de la fissure elle-même. Lire qu'au lieu de cette merde!"_

He threw the crystal balls into the night gravity-laden space-ocean, _formerly known as ' sky'_. His foes coward in fear as the balls evolved into a spectacle array of sounds and lights that made headless devil women made of lasers making godless love to dragons made of motorcycles built from the raggedy, leprosy laden hands of the enslaved Templar knights of the Black forest look totally gay! **(A/N: After the events in the Black forest, the local commission decided to change its name to ****_Respected African European Gentlemen Nature Reserve out of respect and preservation for the armoury manufactures_****).**

Alucard's fallen friends rematerialized and gently fell to earth like a feather with a heavenly glaze.

"Wh-where are we?" said Private Joker

"Wh-where are we?" said Goku

"Wh-where are we?" said Naruto

"Wh-where are we?" said Detective McGarnagle

"Alucard, what happened to the Triangle Sphere monsters?" Said Detective McGarnagle

McGarnagle was an elderly looking man, reminiscent of a modern day Clint Eastwood, (_or if he's available, Al Pacino.)_

"You had died" said Alucard bluntly

"…Oh my god" McGarnagle's spoke with a voice one might see in a homeless man on a cold Tokyo night, "how?"

"You were bludgeoned"

"Oh man-"

"With Cactuses"

"Ohhh-"

"They shoved them up your butt"

"Oh Jesus!-"

"Then they married your wife. Turns out she's pregnant"

"Wh-what!"

"Turns out it was yours"

"Oh…my-"

"Now that your alive, you owe her $40,000 in child support"

McGarnagle fell to his knees and screamed in agony

"NOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD! :O!"

McGarnagle put a gun to his head. His face was smeared all over Private Joker. He screamed and pulled out a gun and shot himself, his face smeared all over Naruto. He screamed and pulled out a gun and shot himself, his face smeared all over Goku. He screamed and pulled out a gun and shot himself, his face smeared all over Alucard's chestplate.

The demons stared at Alucard and Alucard stared at his chestplate.

…Fuck.

Alucard pulled out three more crystal balls and threw them in the air. After the burst of light and weird non-sequitors, four people floated to the ground. They were; Snap from the Rice Bubbles commercials (or Rice Krispy's in America) Mr Potato head and Little Lulu.

"Alright gang! Let's show these suckers whose boss!"

"And tonight, we do it…_WITH CRUCH!_"


	3. Chapter III

**Chapter III: Sex and the Shmitty.**

My girls, Samantha Jones, Charlotte York Goldenblatt, Miranda Hobbes and myself, none other than the Glitterati_ slash_ toast of New York City, Carrie Bradshaw, sat at a booth at the La mots français. I ran my manicured fingernails along the delicately designed mink silk table cloth automatically as I was fixed, entranced by Charlotte's tale.

"– And then Snap threw faux deer-horn-hats on the Satans, out of instinct, Sarah Palin shot them all."

It was quite a different turn from our usually saucy stories.

"So when did you fist-tagged Alucard's suckhole?" said Samantha, as a self-proclaimed, Try-sexual, she'd try anything once, and say anything once, either if it was sexually retarded.

"Sam, honey, you do realise that you just asked Charlotte when did she punch Alucard in the mouth, not something risqué as you may have thought?" Miranda asked

Samantha turned to her and glared "Now I become death, destroyer of worlds", and then clenched her before unclenching it and letting her whole jaw dislocate. In an instant, her mouth widened to the size of a watermelon.

"Here's the SUCKHOLE!" She screamed with her jaw flapping about yet not quite touching the upper lip. She suddenly _sucked Miranda whole head _into her mouth and bit onto the neck, decapitating our friend. Poor Miranda's blood sprayed out onto the three of us.

Everyone in the restaurant screamed and stampeded out, causing a major blockage in the entrance/exit, similar to a three stooges short.

_What the hell is going on! _I cried out in my mind as I leapt away from the booth and fell on the ground. Charlotte wasn't as luck. The Samantha demon smacked her in the throat, sending her off into a stone pillar and blowing up. I never saw her again. My theory: she was wiped from existence- A horrid fate indeed.

"Eh! Miss Carrie, catch!" said Erika, the waitress.

Erika passed me a Uzi, larger than standard.

"I'm sorry Sammy, I'm so, very, very sorry" I spoke quietly and glance at the deadly weapon, "But decapitating our friends is _no good_" I turn to the beautiful waitress a flick out a pointing hand and outstretching arm, I wink at her and she repeats before running away.

"Die Freakazoid!" I wind up the pulley on the Uzi and blasted a vertical shower of light and hot metal into the abomination. Samantha howled a chilling roar. She jumped on top of me , her Gucci dress in tatteres. Surprisingly, her Jimmy Choo heels were intact, _those are some strong shoes! _She rips her dress off, she was not wearing a bra. Her breasts had now been morphed into two grotesque looking humanoid beings, like the top halves of two hairless midgets.

_"Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Uzzzzzz!_" They moan

Sam sat on my arms; I'd have to shift the gun so I could shoot her without getting me first. She stalked her face closer to mine, then she pulled her unfathomable-sized mouth open and I saw nothing but darkness, and gory red flesh.

"JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIAAA AAAAAAAAAAA GUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIDAARRRRRRRRRRRD!" her massive mouth screeched into my face.

At this insane time, I smirked and muttered, "I always knew you had a big mouth"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Torrents of bullets shot through Sam's ass like Africanised wasps. Samantha pulled back. I squiggled out of her hold and kicked her into a table. I barrel rolled over to the gun and sent a final eviction-from-life notice to her. Sealed with a kiss.

_I finally snapped back to reality. I wasn't fighting Samantha; I was fighting my enemies, all representing my fight with the abomination. They all were sprayed out dead over the remains of the church. Only the meat convulsing spew that is Dragula, remained. I am not Carrie rom Sex and the City, I am Alucard, who for some reason was wearing a Prada dress over my armour and professional make up…and a horse mask-OH YES I WENT THERE!_

I pulled the mask off and looked into a cracked mirror, my face looked like it had been raped by hell, I still had the make up on under the mask, I looked Hypergay. I reminded made a reminder to kill myself later.


	4. Chapter IV

**Chapter Four: Sick of Writing this story, I'm just gonna end it in this chapter; I hope you're okay with that. I'm just busy at the moment with University and other projects and a lack of motivation, but farewell, so long and thanks for all the fish!**

Blood and gore smeared the battle zone, only occupied by the dead and the transvestite Vampire. Alucard rose to his feet.

Alucard pierced the plant that finished off the Olympic gods, reducing them to shrivel up plant matter that would soon be eaten by pigs that would shit up the side of a barn door.

A sickening crunch echoed from behind him. The remaining, stumbling mess that once was the mighty Dragula stumbled, with each step, his bones broke and blood splat in a messy violent mess that the janitor would take one look at the mess and quit and study accounting rather than clean up the mess, even though his job was to repetitive mess word repeatedly the author doesn't care anymore.

Alucard delivered one final swipe to Dragula, a swipe that TV Tropes would be all over it, the vampire was launched into space and melted in the sun and became a delectable treat for the four death ponies on faux-mars 7 during a cold winter what the hell am I writing I'm going off track again.

For the first time since his sister died of sonic dysentery, Alucard smiled (he smiled before his sister's death, not because of it).

With his mission from goddess complete, he trudged down the blood and gruel smeared hill. He thought about going into accounting now, although it may be awkward watching a muscular transvestite dwampire doing accounting but who give a shit. He reached the bottom of a hill and found a road. This road would be desolate except for the one car approaching him. Out came Biggie Smalls and 2pac.

"Punk-ass cracker, punch this inta space!" yelled 2pac as hew whipped at a Uzi a shot flaming arrows, that weren't really arrows but metal bullets into the hero.

And then he realised his whole life amounted to nothing but a kitty stuck in a sock.

_I lie there dying, knowing that my story was coming to an end, my life is a stage and I can see the red curtain of my life coming down. The only thing I can think about is not what of my future kids, future wife, or my future as an accountant, all I could think about was my pwet pants, I swear I didn't skeet, Its just freaking hot!_

_ …Okay I skeeted._

_FIN. _


	5. Chapter V

**List of references**

**AN: I listed all the things I referenced, have fun!**

**Mister-Grum (Mr Uggs) Crack Fic:**

Stuff parodied/plagiarised:

Castlevania

Olympic Gods

House of Commare – Tatiana

He man

McDonalds – Mayor McCheese

Dracula

Dragula

Ikea

Superbowl and the tamper bay rays

Martin Luther King Jr

Jabbawocky

Rugrats - Angelic Pickles

Dinosaurs

He-man

Satan's

Sarah Palins

60's Batman

Spooky, Scary Skeletons.

John Dies at the End

Knights Templar

Naruto

Goku

Private Joker

Detective McGarnagle

Little Lulu

Doctor Who

Snap from the Rice Bubbles Commercials

Sex and the City

Sarah Palin Deer hunting incident

The Three Stooges

Freakazoid (Song)

Gucci

Jimmy Choo

Bahvad Gita

30 H's

Julia Guidard

TV Tropes

My little pony

Biggie Smalls

2pac


End file.
